Those days when you feel like you are losing on all fronts.
When all the water seems to slip away between your fingers.
You are trying to be the best mom, wife, and employee. But then life happens.
Something rocks your boat, even tilts it dangerously over gloomy waters. What or who would you save? Time with your child, your relationship with your husband, your salary? For if you gave up only one, the balance might shift. You might sink, or you might sail.
So what should I choose?
Or should I go on stretching my limits far beyond? Testing the boundaries of my capabilities. How long will I be able to go before I crash.
It seems I am playing a risky juggling game, just waiting for one glass ball to drop. To shatter. But, which ball will it be?
I feel I am failing on all fronts. It might be a marvelous juggling act, but I am not smiling while i do it. So it's not much of a show.
Every day brings on a treat. Good, sometimes bad, sometimes neither.
Every day presents you with pressure. Sometimes exhilarating, sometimes disabling. Every day brings on pain. Sometimes physical, sometimes mental. How to breathe between the overwhelming waves that are life itself?
I run, I cry, I shout, I fall to my knees at times, but I get up. Again and again.
I look up, to where there is no noise, only patterns, color and light, or dark, where our vast existence is on full show. Not my tangled-up life.
From where to start?
When to know that it is too much? To stop, for a moment. Without feeling weak, or as if you have failed to reach the uncompromising standards you and others have set.
For who the fuck are you to set the bar? If you want to live your life in a genuine manner, live by your own standards. Pace yourself only by your breath.
Just breathe.
How can you breathe when you are bloody juggling glass balls?!
You can't.
So, the answer arises once more. What do I give up?
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