Lost & Found

After having Olive who is now 7 years old, I promised myself that I am not having any more children.

As the years passed, I began to yearn for another child.

So, what is the problem? I said to myself and of course to my significant other " let's try to have a third child.''

Excited and convinced it would be as easy to get pregnant and have a full-term pregnancy, as I did with both of my daughters, we decided to go for it!

The second cycle we tried; I had those two beloved lines on the white stick. But, after three days I began to bleed. The medical term for this is a chemical pregnancy.

 Ok! Doctor Google says it is very common, so I was not too concerned. ''onwards and upwards'' I said to myself.

 After few months of trying, I got pregnant again, just before a planned holiday to England to visit the family. I was only 5 and a half weeks pregnant at that point. I had the usual early pregnancy symptoms; I was craving carbs, I was always tired and very emotional. The wind could change direction and I would cry.

We ended the two-week holiday in London. As I was walking around the dreaded Primark store, I really needed to go to the toilet, after drinking one too many cups of tea that morning. When I pulled my knickers down there was blood and straight away, I just knew, it was a miscarriage. It was a surreal image of me balling my eyes out in the middle of the busiest shop in London, as if there was no one else around. I suffered terrible cramps on the flight home and heavy bleeding, I miscarried at 7 weeks pregnant.

I did not jump back to my feet this time around. I felt broken and I blamed myself, for it must have happened from something I did. Too much coffee? Maybe that long run I took? I was angry. The first thing the Dr. said to me when I sat down in front of him was: ''It is not your fault''.

As time passed, I managed to heal my heart. I went in to a hard training regime for my first attempt at an Iron Man race. I trained for 4 months every day, sometimes twice a day. I was one month away from the event and then the 7th of October happened. So, no Iron Man for me.

But, maybe I can try having a baby again?

So that is what we did.

Third time is a charm…

Right?

Unfortunately, not.

This time I got all the way to 9 weeks, there was a fetes heart beat at my 7 weeks check-up,

I thought I was out of the woods.

The day we went for my 9 weeks check-up, I felt something was not right. When the doctor asked me how I felt I said " I feel too good", it was like my pregnancy symptoms subsided.

We started the ultrasound check and his face instantly changed, he kept moving the ultrasound around in silence. Then I asked "there is no heartbeat, right?" He removed the ultrasound and confirmed. I broke down like a crystal glass that shattered into thousands of shards. The term for it is a missed miscarriage.

I had to undergo a D&C at hospital to remove the pregnancy sack.

 In the waiting room there was a young girl with her husband and mother beside her, she was white as a ghost with a hollow gaze. Laying in the hospital bed beside her, the thin white certain drawn between us, I overheard she lost the baby at 13 weeks pregnant.

I went in to the procedure first. There where 8 people in the operating room, the nurse spread my legs as far as they can go and then the doctor asks me; " would you like to choose a song to fall asleep with?" I said; "Put on whatever you would like''.

I woke up in the recovery room from a blissful sleep and with a massive sanitary pad between my legs. Moment after I came round, they wheeled another girl next to me. The same girl I that was beside me in the waiting room. The white certain still between us, but this time she was crying. Crying for what she had just lost. She cried so hard and no one came to console her. It was like a factory of broken-hearted women. A production line, one in - one out.

Everyone around smiling and so understanding, but we were really all alone with our loss, with the dream that is now gone.

In life when you don't manage to achieve something, you tend to want it even more.

So, I did. I wanted it so bad. I went and did all the tests, I went for acupuncture every week, I stop drinking coffee, I cut down on my beloved wine, I stopped running. I felt like an incubator that had nothing inside of it.

I was stressed and unhappy, I felt restricted and bound.

After a few months of tests and preparation, I got the green light to try again.

I fell pregnant on our first attempt, it was surprising to me this time, as I was convinced, I was not pregnant.

I did not feel happy, I just felt flat, for the fear of loss was always lurking round the corner.

I started bleeding only two days after,

It was another chemical pregnancy.

This time, I truly broke down. I felt I had lost all control over my body.

I cried out like a child that has lost their mom in the bustling mall.

I said it out loud, the thing I thought I would never have to say; ''I was done''.

My body was giving me all the signs to let go. My wellbeing had to be put first and to do so I had to let it go.

Letting go of an idea, a "picture-perfect family of five".

He always came to me in my dreams; it was always a baby boy.

A baby boy that is not meant to come into this world. But I will dream of you from time to time. I will not dwell on what I could have had, as my life is full. I have all I could have ever wished for and more.

In this picture I was 9 weeks pregnant