Happy New Year To You Too

So how did you celebrate the New Year?

After four big glasses of wine, too much stinky cheese and very greasy potato chips, I was asleep like a baby at 22:00 pm… What bliss!

We all like to summarize our year into a series of very photogenic photos of ourselves. To make ourselves feel good, or to make others not ask questions maybe. For we are OK.

All of my loved ones who have been reading my blog have mourned my Mom with me; you have had an insight into my struggles with my marriage and my postnatal depression, after having my two girls.

So how do I sum up my year? I still drive the car and nearly press the speed dial to call her. Her number is still there, even though it is by now someone else's. The urge just to say, hi. To tell her I get it. I never got to be a Mom and still have a Mom. I don’t think that the pain and yearning for her will ever leave me.

I still call my Dad every day after work, to tell him how my day was, to make him proud.

My bank account still sends me unpleasant messages, as it feels empty and unloved. But hey, there is only one of me to go round.

I still have occasional fights with my significant other about who does what, who does more, who spent more, who did not say ‘I LOVE YOU’ enough. But thank God, every day he is by my side, and I love him from the pit of my stomach.

I have my usual minor breakdown every other Sunday that I go back to work, and keep saying I need a long HOLIDAY. It has become like a ritual. Well, sometimes the breakdown comes early, like Saturday evening. The ending of a weekend can be too much to bear at times.

I also tried something new this year, getting Botox for the first time! and it made me so anxious, I could not lift my eyebrows and my smile looked weird, so I decided that it would be the first and the last time... For now, I will live at peace with all the little lines joining the party on my face.

On a positive note...

I can do a handstand for a long period of time as I used to when I was 10 years old. Does wonders for my self-esteem.

But seriously now... My daughters are truly my pride and joy; they grant me all that was missing. All the nooks and crannies that felt bare and unloved, are now overflowing with contentment. I still get petrified of looking forward to the future. It makes me anxious and unsure of everything. I still fear true happiness and hold on relentlessly to my dark side, where I have less to lose.

But in fact, I waste my best moment in life, just by doing exactly that. I am haunted by the thought of not being there for the girls as they grow up.

I dream of that lush countryside, that cold piercing air going through me. But still, my heart lies in the scorching desert.

So, my year was good. It was really good. I will always miss her, that is just part of life from now on. I will still listen to Enya in the car and feel you right beside me.

My baby girls have grown so much, and they have become everything I could have wished for, and I think I am a good Mom. I stand in the lift in front of the mirror with them by my side, and can't believe they are mine. With Nelly, already reaching as high as my armpit.

I know we live in such a crazy world; one you might not even think of bringing a child into. But for all it is worth, if I exist in my bubble of pure joy, and at times true sadness, and I know I will be just fine.

When our days run out, we don’t look out onto the horizon, we look around, beside us. Who is there? And what is the last bedtime story that will be told?

So, what do I wish for 2022? A bit of 2021!