So, it's my birthday tomorrow and I am experiencing my normal B-day blues.
Yes, I am one of those people that on one hand waits for the day like a 5-year-old child. Someone who loved nothing more than to wake up the morning of my birthday with all my presents laid on the floor, placed quietly by my parents while I was sleeping. I never managed to catch them in the act by the way.
But on the other hand, I am Rachel, now an adult that feels full of doubt.
Every year I list all the things I have achieved; and all the things I have not and wish I had.
I keep waiting for that pure feeling of joy to rush over me...
But it never does anymore.
Don't get me wrong, I still feel joy, but a different kind. Not so pure or innocent.
So many questions I can't seem to answer, so many ambitions left untouched.
You know where I can see my age the most? My eyes.
It is so true that age is just a number, as you feel not a day older than 25.
But the eyes... they give it all away.
What are my birthday wishes you might ask? I wish I was less timid. I wish I could speak out, without being afraid that what I have to say is not good enough.
I wish for a bigger meaning.
I wish to be less guilt-ridden, for everything that brings me pleasure, also floods me with guilt.
I want to exist outside of the world we have all captured ourselves in, willingly.
Watching your life via an app, constantly editing your day to 'look nice'.
Asking yourself, why do I not have what he or she has? What do they have that I crave?
I don't even have an answer.
I see myself in my Nelly, a tormented soul. Her emotions and fear get the best of her, her self-esteem is affected by the gentlest of streams.
I have always struggled in life, fighting against my own demands. Wanting to be part of the popular gang, but at the same time hating myself for being that girl... that tried to please everyone, just to be loved.
So I stopped being, that girl.
But I am for sure still a tormented soul and will always be. My inspiration to write always lurks in my darkest corners.
My passion for life is also hidden in my pain.
The pain of losing. Losing a Mom. Losing the 5-year-old child I once was.
The pain that is intertwined in every memory. Even the happiest of them.
I live in between two extremes: Of pure joy that my family grants me, with every single day.
And, of pure sadness, that grants me the choice, to truly live.
My husband Amit is the exact opposite of me. His emotions are stern and steady, He often thinks I am downright crazy. But he loves me for all those tearful, unbalanced parts that are me.
My lovely Granny, April, would always say "there is nothing like having a good cry".
She was driven and moved by words and storytelling. She loved to watch a sad play or movie, just to FEEL alive.
Even as she got old, she had a romantic dance with death, never afraid, almost waiting for it to take her on a date.
She inspires me every day.
As does my Nelly, we share the same pain, but my biggest wish is that I can make her journey easier.
We see ourselves in them, we often want to live through their eyes. But it is not our journey to take. So I will stand beside her as she stands beside me and I will hug her as hard as I can as she whispers in my ear "let me give you strength".
So, I guess my true birthday wish, is to stop wishing and waiting for something.
Maybe realizing that just by loving and accepting myself I can find peace.
I am worth being loved for the child I was and the woman I am.
And I am thankful for all I have in life, and for all that I have lost.
totally Rachel, totally :)