Be a little bit selfish sometimes, put yourself first once in a while.
I recommend doing so at least once a day.
Today my Mom would have celebrated her 71st year of life, but she is no longer with us.
She is on some fluffy cloud somewhere, having a picnic, as my Nelly always says.
She was a wonderful mother. She gave us her life on a platter.
I never wanted for anything growing up...except for one thing.
For her to be happy. Yet she never put herself first.
There is always a reason, why you leave your dreams locked away. Your wish list is always waiting for when the children are grown up, or for when there is enough money in the bank.
Her list never saw the light of day.
The list will still be around waiting. Don't count on the fact that you will.
She always said to me..."Rachel, my happiness is seeing my children happy".
She fought through life, always on top of everything; always worrying and waiting for a better day.
I sometimes do the same, overwork myself and complain about how is it that I am last in line.. ..last for what?
The only person that puts the pressure on and puts me last in line is ME.
There were a couple of years before she got sick when she slightly let go of always being in control, always being there for everyone and everything else. It filled our hearts with joy. To see her content. Softer. She took her heavy steel armor off. She was vulnerable.
Pushing your life to the sidelines is always the easiest thing, actually living with no boundaries can be terrifying.
Take your dusty wish lists out of the draw, wake up your sleepy dreams.
Start now. If 'Now' is too scary, then take one step...and then another.
If there is one thing I take from her, it is the safe feeling she always filled me with, when beside her.
The thing that will haunt me for the rest of my life, is the look in her eyes as she took her last breaths.
It was not a look of contentment, she was scared.
For the first time, she did something only for herself, she separated from life, from us.
She made a choice to let go of life, a life that was not always kind or easy. She had enough.
But, as she always said, she was at her happiest seeing us happy.
So, we are happy Mom and i know now, that you are.
So be selfish sometimes. It is worth a lifetime.
My Mom Jill 26.11.1949
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