The weeks roll away from us.
The snowball gets bigger and bigger,
But yet, you feel so small.
Powerless even.
Have I lost control? Have we all?
We are living in between the cracks, catching our breath.
When all the boundaries are up,
Blocking the horizon.
There are no distractions to lay our heads on at night.
We are facing the life we have created, with all its glory and all its flaws.
Facing your partner, your brief encounters now prolonged, the gaps filled with silence. What is left to say? Everything…… But at the same time, nothing at all.
Facing your children, whom you can no longer always seem comfort, even though they comfort you. Always.
Facing yourself, you are alone... You have always been alone. We all have.
Our life is so intertwined with our loved ones… We are constantly looking to surround ourselves with people that love us, need us, depend on us.
If you depend on me, then that must mean… that you will never leave me… right?
I tell myself, that everything is under control. So much so, that I have squeezed the blooming air out of my pink unicorn pool floaty, and let me tell you, I did not plan on getting my hair wet today.
To hell with what I had planned, for today, for LIFE! Planning ahead seems often to turn out to be a letdown. You are constantly waiting… and waiting… for something, you planned. Then, it is finally time, the day has come. Did it live up to your expectation? Most of the time, our expectation is like reading someone's fortune, after drinking too much cheap tequila. Let's just say, most likely, it won't live up to your wonderful, lovely imagination of how it was meant to be.
So, plan less … CHECK.
Get your hair all wet with spontaneity, even if it is not a hair washday…CHECK.
seems like a good place to start.
Our grip on life is so strong, that letting go, even slightly, scares the living daylights out of us.
Some of us are trying so hard to feel happy. We read books about finding happiness; we venture off to long retreats to escape all the negativity; we try to eat clean, breath right, run, hike, venture into the wild. But is your idea of being happy, the same as for the bestselling author, that makes a living by telling you what steps to take, to achieve that feeling, you crave so badly. Do you truly even want to be happy? All the time that is…
Maybe, just making peace with the higgledy-piggledy way our years roll on by, is in fact real happiness. A happiness that does not judge you, for not always being good enough.
For not checking off all the list.
Because let me tell you… you are eating so clean, you are running everyday day, sleeping 9 hours a night, meditating every morning and you even watch the sunset every evening, and you still don’t feel bloody ZEN! What pressure, my God.
It seems that striving for happiness and balance, can often present more pressure than being the CEO of a multibillion company. But no, this is only your own life you are managing... so have a burger and a pint and CHILLOUT.
I personally regret every indulgence, that gives me pleasure. If I could only just learn to enjoy, with no remorse and no self-hate. I think I could find my personal heaven, of what I would call HAPPINESS.
So, ask yourself… maybe you have something or everything to lose, by just being... HAPPY?
Or, are you already, happy…? And just too preoccupied with LIFE.
In the pic, my teenage self.
PS a not very happy one.
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