A milestone

"Its a milestone birthday" they all say.

"How are you celebrating?" They all ask.

I am turning 40 in a few days and It brings up all kinds of emotions, some good, some bad.

But, most of all it enhances the vast difference between the number on your birthday card to how i actually feel inside.

I often feel like an imposter, pretending to be all lady like, trying my best to be a good mother and role model and sassy but yet composed wife. While inside I am still that awkward child.

Filling that vast gaping gap with a heck of a lot of self doubt.

So, what has being me for 40 years thought me?

That it is ok to have a very small number of close friends.

That it is ok not to answer your phone every time it rings.

It is ok that your idea of a fun night is staying home.

It is ok to decide that going to sleep every night at 9pm makes you a happier you.

That it is OK to say NO, or not right now, or maybe never.

It is ok to fear sickness and death as it lurks from every corner.

As the years roll by faster and faster, we seem to get the most enjoyment from the slower paced things in life.

The early morning coffee before the world wakes up.

Driving in a traffic jam, as you get to listen to a really inspirational podcast.

Going for walks with your partner and two dogs on a humid afternoon.

Simplicity, is where I find my happiest moments.

"The gap" that is infact life, might be filled with self doubt, but, it is also filled to the brim with self-worth and love.

When i told my therapist I hate celebrating my birthday she said; "You are not celebrating getting older, you are celebrating being alive".

So I am 40, I am alive, I am working damm hard on being a happier version of me.

But, I am content with my life.

My older self will probably never fully separate for that little fair skinned shy child. I will never fully move on from the fact my mom never got to see me as a mother. Though, I think she would be proud. I am probably not going to have a third child and that is OK.

I am going to celebrate with an over the top order of expensive sushi, with my favorite white wine, on my sofa beside my husband.

Happy Birthday Rachel, you are doing just fine.